Our loved ones...

Yesterday evening, stuck in the traffic jam, I suddenly thought of something. It just came across my mind. Last week, a friend told me about her plans of going back to her hometown for a wedding. She planned for the whole family to go back as it was during the school holidays. Her eldest hinted that she refused to go as her excuse was to stay at home and rest.
Then my friend told me this - it was not because of the wedding that they were going back and she's forcing the children to go with her, it was more of visiting the elderly i.e. the grandparents. She wanted her kids to be close to their grandparents and aunties and uncles as these are the important people in the family tree.

Suddenly the song "You raise me up" by Josh Groban was on the air.It struck me. My apartment is about 5 minutes away from my mom's house. My mom is currently staying with my sister and her husband and also their newborn baby whom now is the heart and soul of the family. 5 minutes away by car is not far at all. But, for the past 4 weeks, I've only went and saw her twice. Once when she organised a luncheon for some of our cousins and the other time was a week ago - dropped by to get some letters.

When I think about it, yes, she might be waiting for me to visit her. Maybe not expecting much from me but just to go and have a chat with her, to tell the updates in my 'life'. Before the baby was born, she kept calling me up every other day to check where I was. These went on quite frequently for some time especially after all the things that happened to me. Now, no more. No more calls from her for the past 2 months. Only I had to call her up and ask a few things.
Yes, I know I am guilty of treating her this way. But then again, I think she knows me well enough to trust me with the things that I do now. I admit that I do not visit her that often. Who does not love their own mother? I do love her its just that I am used to this situation. I am used to being on my own. All this while, she has been really close to my sister -since my primary school days. Being a single parent with 3 kids, it made me feel that I should not burden her with my problems especially when my brother and sister needed more attention than me. Maybe another reason this happens now is because when she sent me to the boarding school earlier, she only went to the school to send me and took me back from school after my final year exam. She was too busy with my brother and sister and could not afford to pay me a visit at all. I did go back home during the school holidays but I guess that made a big difference. Almost everybody else received visitors expecially their parents to visit them.Its tough to admit, but I think my teenage life played a major role in who I am now and how I behave.

Lately my life is full of responsibilities towards other people.Towards the kids that I am taking care of.I know my mom is doing well with my sister and her family. She is well taken care of. Its not that I am putting everybody else more than my family but my mom has my sister around. And she also knows at times, when she needs something she can always call me. I guess if my sister is not around - that there will something big missing from her life.

We only live in this world temporarily and our lives are sort of being lent to us by the Mighty one.My purpose now in life is to contribute and help other people.From 100% of my free time now (minus the working hours , ya), I can say that 80% of it are being spent for other people. Its more of helping other people to solve their issues or to make them happy. I am assuming my mom is allowing me to do all these and she knows that I did not visit her because of these reasons. I know that she supports me all the way and she definitely trusts what I do.


Like my brother mentioned to me last year, sometimes he feels sad that a big portion of his life is spent away from his family and relatives in Malaysia. But, he said, being far away also provides the advantages of giving him more free time to do social/religious work without hurting anybody's feelings by not attending family functions, visiting relatives house etc. It is good to tighten the family values but at times it will also lead to something else. When you do not spend time with your family, you can either spend time loitering around with friends, or ....make full use of it by contributing to the people who needs you most.


One thing I do know......I miss going back to Terengganu to visit my grandma. I miss the smell of the sea and the sound of the waves. Time is to limited for me to go back. Maybe sometime in June.....yeah...maybe.