Happy Father's Day

People always say the first born is the luckiest. The first born is always important. The first born is the most loved by the parents. Especially the first born, if its a girl,, the father will put her first in his list.

I had the chance to feel all that. I was given the opportunity to be loved by my father. But not anymore. I'm hoping that I could have the chance again. Maybe not to the extend of hugging and saying "I love you " but at least talking to him, visiting him, or have a cup of coffee with him.

Things turned wrongly when I wanted to marry my ex. My mom and the whole family which includes my uncles, aunties and grandma had agreed and approved. But not him. As my granma said "as long as we are ready and fulfill the requirements of getting married, to avoid "maksiat" and pray to Allah that would be the best" , then we should get married.

I seeked his permission, especially when he needs to be my 'wali'. Brought my ex over to his house to meet him. We were given a 4 hours pep-talk, witnessed by my sister (who later got scared of getting married as she did not want to go thru the same thing). At the end of the 4 hours, he said "Ok, if that is what you want".

Alhamdulillah, the next day 2 days, we made appointment to meet the Kadhi in-charge with my dad, to hand over the 'wali' thingy to the Kadhi. Everything went on smoothly and perfect.

The wedding was then due in the next 3 weeks. A day before the 'akad' ceremony and kenduri, my stepmom, who has never phoned me before, called to inform that I needed to cancel everything if I want my dad to accept me as his daughter. I was shocked, sad, angry. All my relatives from Terengganu and Johor was there to help out with the preparation.We decided and prayed hard that if this is the best option for me to proceed and Insya Allah everything would be ok. If this is what is written in His book, then we needed to proceed.

Alhamdulillah, everything went well and smoothly. My grandma was really pleased with the event. Well, those are the sweet memories, but later, things did not happened as I wish it should be. My ex and I, with my sister went and visited him during Raya which was about 1 month+ after the wedding(my dad was too busy and not home most of the time we called). Coincidently he was holding a raya 'open house'. When we entered the house, he refused to accept my hand, neither did my stepmom. He also made a remark which was loud enough for everybody to hear, " Why are you here? You are not invited. You are not my daughter".

I just ignored.But my sister was hurt. She refused to accept it.She was upset. It hurts her.

After that incident, we tried calling him to pay a visit, unfortunately all were turned down.The answer we always get is - he's not home.And visiting him without calling, will result in the gate will not be opened for us.

5 years later, when my sister wanted to get married, she had a bigger problem. This time, to get him to hand over the 'wali' thingy to the Kadhi was an almost impossible job. Heartache, hurt, upset and all the negative feelings were consistently felt at my mom's place. We only managed to get it almost 3 weeks to the wedding date. Alhamdulillah. We met during my brother's wedding at the bride's house however I just managed to kiss his hand and asked how was he doing. No reply received.

Despite of all which had happened, I still believe Papa is a nice man deep inside him. Maybe because of the influence of somebody- he has turned to somebody else. I did have a serious talk with my brother about him - eventhough my brother said that this is Papa, himself now and not influenced by somebody else, I still believe Papa is not himself.He might be controlled. He might be monitored in all his actions. He might not be able to talk freely, to do whatever he wants, especially now he has retired.

I know I've made mistakes. How could I make up to this?

How I wish at least, just to visit him, have a cup of coffee with him and catch up on the past. That's all.

You are still my Papa. My only one.You are still the greatest Papa in the world - as I remembered you 15 years ago.

Happy Father's day.