Just talk

When you are driving back home at 2.30am,your mind will be wandering elsewhere. Thinking of things that sometime even you don't have the answer for it. Or maybe you try to find the solution, but you just don't know how.

Tonight, I finished work at 2am. Had to wait for the next supervisor's shift to come in as she had informed earlier she would be late.What the heck....there's no issues of that as I know I won't be sleeping that early even if I were to go back early.

While driving back peacefully, on the 'empty' federal highway, these thoughts came up:

- why did I fall in love with somebody who is far, far away?
- why did my heart fall for a man who already has a family? ( I didn't know in the first place)
-why is it so hard for me to go out with another man when the person I love is thousand of miles away (with his family)and won't even know about it?
-why was I born with only 'one ' heart and I cannot divide my heart to love somebody and to like somebody else?


I remember a friend of mine gave an advise. She said I need to know how to divide myself and my heart. I can love a person, but I should also be able to be with another person with no feelings. And this eventually helps me not to feel bad if anything were to happen to any one of them as I'm practically not giving 100% of my heart.

I respect her and thanked for the advise. But I guess, how hard I try, I'm just me with the certain values that I believe in.

I believe there are pros and cons. Giving myself 100% will create the moment of pure honesty, love and happiness. Those are the moments that I don't need to pretend.I will be be at the top of the world being with the man I love.
However, when things do not go the way I want it to be, I feel my heart being crushed into bits and pieces. At times, it might turn to dust.

Currently, jealousy is not the issue.
I've accepted that he has a family.
Its just that I am lonely.
And every time he calls to say hi, automatically my eyes will be teary.

I just need a person to talk to.
I miss the moments of lying down beside somebody, holding hands and talk.

Just talk.
Yeah...I'm missing those moments badly.
Especially when I can't sleep lately.