The LIFE I've chosen

Is this the life that I want?
That was the question posted to me before he left.
As tears rolled down and not able to say a word; I just kept quiet.
In my heart I was trying to shut down and trying not to miss him.
Trying not to feel anything.
So that the tears would stop.

I don't know, to be exact.
I don't know what I want.
As a normal human being, I know I want everything.
Which is impossible.

Having him in my life for the past 1 1/2 years made a BIG difference.
Picking up the bits and pieces.
Made me forget of the bad things which had happened.
Teaches and motivates me to be strong.
Alhamdulillah.
But everytime he comes, and everytime he leaves;
I failed to stay cool about it.

What makes me sad?
I don't know.
Maybe what worries me is what if we won't meet again?
What if things happen ?
His advice was as long as 'panjang umur' we will meet.
But what ever is written by Allah in his books, there's nothing we could do.
Honestly, it scares every single bit of me.

I know he loves me a lot.
And I know he is a very responsible man.
And I also know he will be there for me.

Its just that he can't be physically with me all the time.
His promise was to visit me twice a year.
More than that? He said he'll try.

Until then, I need to stay strong.
I have to be strong.
I must be strong.
And now, I'm still lying flat on the ground.


I know, this is the LIFE I've chosen.
My daily prayers are to make me stay strong.
Everyday. Insya Allah.

I love you Habibi.